I am truly terrible at keeping a blog… The thing is that I want to write and I have a million things to write about but then I end up with zero motivation to write anything. Do you know what that’s called? Depression. Funny, isn’t it? Not funny in a ha ha way but funny in an almost tragic way. The whole point of the blog (and Instagram) is to chronicle my life with depression but I can’t even find the motivation to do that.
I guess I’ve kind of fallen off the face of the planet these last few weeks; I’ve lost interest in things that used to be my only interest, I’ve avoided spending time with friends, and I’ve just not wanted to do anything except lie in bed. I’ve been thinking a lot about how to get myself to feel better and seeing the psychiatrist and taking that step towards medication was a really big one (like huge. 20 years in the making), but I’m thinking it might not be enough. In my first entry, I talked about a girl who had checked herself into a hospital for her depression. First, I want to say that I absolutely commend her for doing that because the courage it must have taken inspires me to just take my medication in the morning. But after a visit with my general doctor, I’ve been thinking a lot about going to a rehab/hospital like facility over the summer and really trying to get to the root of what is wrong. I mean I know I’m depressed and I’m angry (so so angry, but that’s a topic for another entry…) but I’m someone who believes that there is always a reason and if you can get to the reason then maybe you can fix or change the behavior.
So rehab… The idea absolutely terrifies me and my doctor doesn’t think I need something that intense, but part of the problem is being at home. I know I’ve briefly spoken about my parents before and while they are definitely willing to do anything it takes, but they have a very hard time understanding and speaking about it in an appropriate manner. I’ve been having a lot of communication issues with my father lately and I’ve been keeping a lot of my depression a secret from him because of these issues. Only my mother knows and she has made sure to hold it over my head and remind me constantly about what keeping this is doing to her. Nevermind what being on all of these different medications and feeling like I can’t get out of bed in the morning is doing to me, she makes a lot of it about her. There’s been some talk recently about having my mother come into therapy with me and meeting my doctor. All of my doctors think it’s a good idea and I’ve been becoming more and more receptive to the idea. However, when it was brought up the other night, she made it seem so nasty, like she’d turn my doctor against me on the confidentiality from my father idea. I guess that freaked me out and now I don’t want her involved at all. It’s a very fractured relationship and we just haven’t been able to communicate very well ever.
Another thing that I have a very hard time explaining and dealing with is my commitment phobia and actually getting what I want. Recently, I’ve found out that this guy I kind of like is also interested in me and I should be really happy about that, but when I found out, I burst into tears like actual honest-to-God tears. I know I have relationship issues, but this seems nuts. Every time I get something that I want, I end up rejecting it and then wishing I had it. My doctor says that’s anxiety, so I guess we’ll tack that onto the list of things that are wrong.
I guess these last few weeks, I’ve been feeling absolutely hopeless. Like I won’t get better or feel better or learn how to commit or even get what I want. Maybe it’s just that I’m so used to not getting what I want or losing or even making sure I lose and being self-sabotaging that when the opportunity comes to actually get what I want, I literally don’t know how to. Plus, my aforementioned relationship issues make the whole dating thing very complicated. I’ve become a pro at making up excuses to not even go on first coffee dates. I feel like my life is more of a mess than it actually is and I’m not sure how to deal with it.
What should I do over the summer? Should I really try to go to rehab or should I take a job I’ve been offered that I know will be good for me but that I didn’t really want to have to take… What about this potential relationship? Is taking the job that takes me away from the relationship and my family issues and all that stuff running away from it? All of this seems like it’s so trivial and “First World Problems” but it still makes me want to crawl in a hole and just not deal with any of it. Has anyone else felt this way? Decisions are scary. Motivation is scary. All of it seems even scarier with depression…
Depression Diaries 