I hate waking up in the mornings. Not for the reasons everybody else hates it (it’s cold, it’s dark, don’t want to go to work, etc.) but because I wake up most days and feel utterly alone. I’ve felt like this for the last few weeks – weepy and absolutely terrified of being alone. Not like alone in the deep metaphorical sense, but I’m talking physically left alone. I try and schedule things with friends everyday so at least I’m seeing one person – but even that is difficult since all of my friends have real lives with real jobs and real commitments. My life is the opposite of that and I think that’s what isn’t working.
I had this revelation the other day as I was quite literally crying to my nana who just got out of the hospital (and definitely did not need to deal with my continual emotional breakdown) that I’m homeless with a house. I moved out of my childhood home and into an apartment in an unfamiliar neighborhood very quickly with no time to really think about or process the commitment and I think all of that is really catching up with me. My new apartment isn’t my home, but neither is my childhood house anymore. I feel like I don’t have a home and I think that’s why I’ve been trying to surround myself with people who are familiar and make me comfortable – because I’m constantly in an unfamiliar setting that I’m a still uncomfortable in.
I don’t know what it will take for me to feel comfortable here and I’ve truly been trying to change my life, but like everything, it’s a circle. In order to change my life, I need motivation and I just don’t have motivation because I’m so damn unhappy all of the time. I feel totally untreatable. Try medication, it’ll make you feel better; so I tried medication and now I’m 25 lbs lighter, but not any happier… Try exercise, it’ll help with the depression; I exercise and now I have more muscle, but I’m not any happier. Move out of your parents’ house, that’ll increase your quality of life considerably; I moved out of my parents’ house and I’m not any happier. Now, I just pay for a place to stay in bed all day. At least when I was home, I had all my stuff around me any everything was familiar (my neighborhood, my room, etc.)… Now, I’m unhappy in an unfamiliar setting and that’s even rougher (and yes, rougher than having two people call me manipulative and abusive and controlling and thoughtless everyday).
A few of my closest friends have said some very interesting things to me (about me) lately that aren’t wrong, but also scare the living daylights out of me. My college roommate told me that I craved the intimacy and that’s why I went back to sleep with this guy that I’m a little bit too much head over heels for (more on that later). I think she’s 100% right. I do crave the intimacy and I’m not sure if I’m ready for that kind of committed relationship, but I would like someone to text when I’m down or even just have a person that’s a constant that also wants to have sex with me. I want some of the little things: someone to spend the night with and just sleep; someone to be able to call or text when I’m feeling down; someone to share the happiness; someone who’s happy to see me. Maybe I’m craving a relationship… That scares me because of the #commitment. Still not on board with that one yet… Then a camp friend of mine called me out on loving this horrible person that I shouldn’t love. That also terrifies me because I really have never felt this way about someone and I don’t want it to be HIM that I feel this way for.
I think in a way, falling for him is another form of self sabotage. He’s emotionally unavailable, a truly horrible person, goes against everything I believe in, and makes ME seem like the emotionally stable one, which should already have red flags going up. That being said, I want to spend all my time with him and call him when I’m upset and sleep with him at night (the Brandi Carlile song comes to mind: “I wish I could lay down beside you when the day is through and wake up to your face against the morning sun.”) and wake up with him the next morning and spend all my time him… I think I said that last one already. For some bizarre reason that literally no one can figure out, he makes me happy when he should make me the unhappiest… Which he also does. I spend my days literally thinking about him and figuring out a way to se him and planning it all out so it’s not weird. I feel like I’m in a sporting event – I’ve got analysts and plays and plots and I hate it. I think he wants to date me but he’s not in the right space and I want to date him and just be with him always but that’s not an option. As my therapist said (which was very helpful), “It’s not that he won’t date you, it’s that he can’t date you.” He even said, “If I was in a better mental space, I’d totally date you.” Every time I see him, I’m left analyzing more and trying to figure him out. I hate that he has this power to do this to me and I hate that I’m kind of turning into my mother in needing to find meaning in everything and hoping there’s meaning in everything. Does everything have to have meaning? Do we just try and find meaning in words and actions so we can keep going and tell ourselves what we want to hear? All I know is that this situation isn’t going away anytime soon, but I need to change my approach.
Because I’m always on the verge of tears. It’s not about him, but just about my entire life. I wake up with a hole in my stomach and fear the day and I just want to cry and when I think about how alone I am, I just want to cry… All I want to do is cry all of the time and that’s not healthy or sustainable or even useful. I really want to be happy and I’ve tried everything they’ve recommended and nothing is working and I feel so defeated. Like why am I even here if this is how life is going to be? I’m actively working to change my life, but nothing is changing and it’s so exhausting. I’m in a really bad place right now, but like haven’t I been forever? When do things get to change for the better for me?
Depression Diaries 