Purpose – Depression Diaries

Waking Up…

I hate waking up in the mornings. Not for the reasons everybody else hates it (it’s cold, it’s dark, don’t want to go to work, etc.) but because I wake up most days and feel utterly alone. I’ve felt like this for the last few weeks – weepy and absolutely terrified of being alone. Not like alone in the deep metaphorical sense, but I’m talking physically left alone. I try and schedule things with friends everyday so at least I’m seeing one person – but even that is difficult since all of my friends have real lives with real jobs and real commitments. My life is the opposite of that and I think that’s what isn’t working.

I had this revelation the other day as I was quite literally crying to my nana who just got out of the hospital (and definitely did not need to deal with my continual emotional breakdown) that I’m homeless with a house. I moved out of my childhood home and into an apartment in an unfamiliar neighborhood very quickly with no time to really think about or process the commitment and I think all of that is really catching up with me. My new apartment isn’t my home, but neither is my childhood house anymore. I feel like I don’t have a home and I think that’s why I’ve been trying to surround myself with people who are familiar and make me comfortable – because I’m constantly in an unfamiliar setting that I’m a still uncomfortable in.

I don’t know what it will take for me to feel comfortable here and I’ve truly been trying to change my life, but like everything, it’s a circle. In order to change my life, I need motivation and I just don’t have motivation because I’m so damn unhappy all of the time. I feel totally untreatable. Try medication, it’ll make you feel better; so I tried medication and now I’m 25 lbs lighter, but not any happier… Try exercise, it’ll help with the depression; I exercise and now I have more muscle, but I’m not any happier. Move out of your parents’ house, that’ll increase your quality of life considerably; I moved out of my parents’ house and I’m not any happier. Now, I just pay for a place to stay in bed all day. At least when I was home, I had all my stuff around me any everything was familiar (my neighborhood, my room, etc.)… Now, I’m unhappy in an unfamiliar setting and that’s even rougher (and yes, rougher than having two people call me manipulative and abusive and controlling and thoughtless everyday).

A few of my closest friends have said some very interesting things to me (about me) lately that aren’t wrong, but also scare the living daylights out of me. My college roommate told me that I craved the intimacy and that’s why I went back to sleep with this guy that I’m a little bit too much head over heels for (more on that later). I think she’s 100% right. I do crave the intimacy and I’m not sure if I’m ready for that kind of committed relationship, but I would like someone to text when I’m down or even just have a person that’s a constant that also wants to have sex with me. I want some of the little things: someone to spend the night with and just sleep; someone to be able to call or text when I’m feeling down; someone to share the happiness; someone who’s happy to see me. Maybe I’m craving a relationship… That scares me because of the #commitment. Still not on board with that one yet… Then a camp friend of mine called me out on loving this horrible person that I shouldn’t love. That also terrifies me because I really have never felt this way about someone and I don’t want it to be HIM that I feel this way for.

I think in a way, falling for him is another form of self sabotage. He’s emotionally unavailable, a truly horrible person, goes against everything I believe in, and makes ME seem like the emotionally stable one, which should already have red flags going up. That being said, I want to spend all my time with him and call him when I’m upset and sleep with him at night (the Brandi Carlile song comes to mind: “I wish I could lay down beside you when the day is through and wake up to your face against the morning sun.”) and wake up with him the next morning and spend all my time him… I think I said that last one already. For some bizarre reason that literally no one can figure out, he makes me happy when he should make me the unhappiest… Which he also does. I spend my days literally thinking about him and figuring out a way to se him and planning it all out so it’s not weird. I feel like I’m in a sporting event – I’ve got analysts and plays and plots and I hate it. I think he wants to date me but he’s not in the right space and I want to date him and just be with him always but that’s not an option. As my therapist said (which was very helpful), “It’s not that he won’t date you, it’s that he can’t date you.” He even said, “If I was in a better mental space, I’d totally date you.” Every time I see him, I’m left analyzing more and trying to figure him out. I hate that he has this power to do this to me and I hate that I’m kind of turning into my mother in needing to find meaning in everything and hoping there’s meaning in everything. Does everything have to have meaning? Do we just try and find meaning in words and actions so we can keep going and tell ourselves what we want to hear? All I know is that this situation isn’t going away anytime soon, but I need to change my approach.

Because I’m always on the verge of tears. It’s not about him, but just about my entire life. I wake up with a hole in my stomach and fear the day and I just want to cry and when I think about how alone I am, I just want to cry… All I want to do is cry all of the time and that’s not healthy or sustainable or even useful. I really want to be happy and I’ve tried everything they’ve recommended and nothing is working and I feel so defeated. Like why am I even here if this is how life is going to be? I’m actively working to change my life, but nothing is changing and it’s so exhausting. I’m in a really bad place right now, but like haven’t I been forever? When do things get to change for the better for me?

Breakdowns/throughs/ups/outs

As has been previously established, I am the worst blogger ever. Especially in these last couple weeks when my life has quite literally exploded, I would think the blog would have been a good release and way to get my thoughts out. I have continued journaling, though, and I highly recommend it to people out there who are struggling with Depression and/or Anxiety. When I was younger, I tried to journal all the time, but constantly failed, however, just as recently as this summer, I got really into it because I realized that there is no “right” way to journal. It’s for you and only you. Over this summer from hell, I have found that journaling has been one of the only ways to stay sane.

But onwards and upwards. This aforementioned worst summer of my life is coming off one of the most difficult and challenging years of my life, as well. Things have been happening all too quickly for me to process and even though some are good, I do find myself unhappy and struggling a little – it almost feels as if I’m sinking and my head is just barely above water. I’ve had all of the breaks this summer except the good kind of break…

Breakdown: Everyone kind of knew that the events of this summer plus my consistent struggles with depression was eventually going to lead to a major breakdown – we just didn’t know when it would happen or what would trigger it. Well, my birthday apparently triggered it and what was supposed to be a great day turned into a disaster pretty quickly. I’m not going to lie, having that breakdown felt kind of good – like it needed to all come out. I was able to just scream and cry until all of it that had built up over the summer was coming out. I also kind of mourned for myself – a lot of people without depression don’t realize that depression is something people have to deal with and handle for the rest of their lives. I’m not in a place where I can accept that this will be a lifelong struggle so I was mourning the chance at a normal happy life without the extra work that it’s going to take me. The breakdown prompted the breakthrough because as I’ve mentioned in the past, my parents are good people, they just weren’t the right parents for me. I did not trust my father to know about this journey because he has trouble accepting and trying to understand things that he does not personally have experience with. Anyway, after the breakdown on my birthday, my mother told my father everything. That was the last straw for me and I snapped in the most dramatic and permanent way I could think of…

Breakthrough: When it became apparent that I wasn’t able to trust my mother and the feeling of her choosing my father over me AGAIN was too strong, I made the immediate decision to cut them off. In my anger and furiousness, I made a snap decision that no one (almost including me) thought I would actually commit to. My parents have been having some relationship problems lately that have affected me more than they know – namely that they blame me for them. However, my mother has been so desperate to save her relationship with my father that she has kind of pushed all her other familial relationships to the side. It’s unbelievably hurtful to have the one person in your house that you (are forced to) trust constantly choose someone who’s treating her like crap. However, according to them, I’m abusive, so I have no idea what’s black and what’s white anymore. The breakthrough was that I needed my own place and I needed it ASAP. My parents went to Europe for a week at the end of August and I promised my mother (more like threatened) that I wouldn’t be there when she got back. I know I’ve discussed my commitment issues that are associated with my depression before, so committing to an apartment and moving and the whole operation that goes into that all in a week was pretty huge for me. I did it so fast that I didn’t have time to overthink it or second guess it and now that I’ve committed, I’m starting to see that maybe it’s not so scary. I’m not jumping into a marriage or anything, but this was a really good thing in that it helped me make some slow progress on my commitment issues.

Breakups: This “break” is a little tougher since I kind of broke-up with my parents. For someone who likes to take things one at a time and process before I can do something else, this all happened super fast. I broke-up with them so quickly that it was a shock to everyone’s system and I’m just now processing the consequences/benefits/feelings that are coming from such a monumental break. Committing to that has been ore difficult than committing to the apartment and I’ve been trying very hard to keep my depression in check with all of these feelings that are coming through. Further, I’ve fallen off the face of the planet this summer and really cut a lot of people out. It was a dark dark summer where depression really hit me and I wasn’t able to move – it was worse this summer than it had ever been in my life. I finally let my anger towards a lot of the people in my life out instead of suppressing it, which I had done for years thinking it was normal. In doing all of that, I ended up cutting some friends out of my life and breaking up with them, as well. Some breakups aren’t permanent, but it was important for me to recognize these feelings and deal with them instead of pushing them back down. One last kind of breakup is with the boy I fell for this summer. We finally slept together (and we all know that boys and relationships and sex are all topics that my depression affects the most) and then he kind of peaced out, which really broke my heart. I consider this a breakup of sorts, but it’s not 100% bad (maybe 99.9%) because it led to my breakthrough…

Breakthrough: With the move, I wasn’t able to really process those feelings but now that I have, I’ve found that I want him in my life and I don’t want to lose him so now I’m back on the train of trying to just have him in my life. These feelings are really scary and processing them has been very tough. On one hand, I’m angry that I fell this hard for him (without really realizing it) and on the other hand, he’s been one of the bright spots of this summer and I don’t want to lose one of the only things that has brought a semblance of happiness to my life this summer. I was reading an old journal entry and found the new motto I was living by for all of fifteen seconds before my life imploded, “Fuck everyone and fuck everything.” I realize that I had strayed away from the true message of the motto, which is putting myself first and going after what I want – even if the result can be destructive. Isn’t it better to try and fail than to not try at all and regret the what ifs in life? This has led to the breakthrough of putting myself first for once and going after what I want with all the velocity I had been hiding from what I want and scared of getting what I want because I didn’t know how my mood was going to be or I didn’t know the outcome beforehand. This is why I’ve been back on the boy train, because I want it and I want to go after something I want – especially something that I feel like I might be able to get…

All in all, depression really took over my summer, however, I can sense that I’m really trying and succeeding at getting better because even with all the shitty and horrible things that have happened to me this summer, I’m choosing to look at the few positives it brought (like my breakthrough and my new apartment) and hope that in the near future, I’ll be able to feel better and go after what I want with less overthinking and more zeal and less fear and more confidence. Why am I so afraid of looking like a fool and having all this shame? That’s not going to get me anywhere and on this push of growth, I want to get every last inch out of it.

I’m Still Here

I disappeared for a while – find out why and when I’ll be back with a full post….

I’m pretty sure I’m the worst blogger on the face of the planet. My apologies for falling off the face of the Earth this past month. If I thought summer couldn’t get any worse before I took my accidental hiatus, let’s just say it’s safe to say how wrong I was. Honestly, that’s why I try not to say that things couldn’t get any worse, because usually they can and they do. At least in my life they do.

I’ve started journaling, which I had looked down on for the longest time because I was never in a place where I could journal and really keep up. I even bought one of those 5 year, 1 question a day journals and forgot to do it/keep up with it so I would do like an entire month in one sitting, which is totally not the point.

The journal has not been a replacement of the blog, but I have discovered that handwriting for me is a lot easier than typing, which is why I have been more productive about the journal and keeping up with it. But then I started thinking about the blog and the journal and why they couldn’t be one in the same (minus the names and any identity revealing things…).

That being said, I’ve decided to share some of my journal entries with my blog (all like three readers…). Over the next few days/weeks, I’ll be typing (and roughly dating) some of my entries to both continue to process what’s been going on and to be completely honest and open with the blog. The point of me starting this blog was to shine a light into mental health and depression – all sides of it – the good, the bad, the ugly, the really ugly, and as bad as it gets. I haven’t been doing that lately, which means that I’ve been failing in my mission on the blog.

Speaking of the blog, does anyone out there know how to market an anonymous blog? I suppose I could start a Facebook page, but how would I do that without revealing my identity? If anyone had a tip, that would be super helpful. Feel free to comment it on this post, email me at depressiondiaries0@gmail.com, or shoot me a message/comment on Instagram @depressiondiaries0

But, until my journal entries, here’s a small list of topics covered in my journal/things I’ve been up to…

Got (and lost) a job that I really liked. Didn’t take that so well.
I think I got kicked out of my house. Still figuring that one out.
Constant fighting and unpleasantness at home, which is, of course, all my fault.
Friend fights.
Low mood.
Medication change.
Boy troubles/happenings.
Visit to a psychic. Super freaky and I think I’m a believer/follower now.
Eating struggles.

Date-pression

My whole life, I have struggled with relationships, both romantic and platonic, and how to interact with other people. Commitments have always scared me and anytime a guy showed the least bit of interest in me, I would run away and make sure it never happened – even if it was something that I wanted. In the age of online dating and dating apps, I have matched with many a guy who has asked me to coffee or drinks (aka meeting outside the screen) and in order to go on these dates, it would take either a lot of tequila or several tries. I’ve become the queen of excuses and have used almost everyone in the book to get out of dates. It’s not that I’m not interested in the people or don’t want to date or find a boyfriend, it’s that it absolutely terrifies me. Not only do relationships and commitment terrify me, but the physical intimacy of relationships terrifies me. I have very (let’s just call it) limited experience because of my fears and that is something I desperately want to change.

When I do miraculously manage to actually go on a date (and when I’ve found someone who has put up with me canceling three times), I tell a friend exactly where I am and when to call me to pretend to be someone at home so I can get out of it. There’s always an out for me when it comes to dating. This has been an issue for as long as I can remember when at sleepaway camp one summer, a guy that I liked asked me to the dance and after saying yes, avoided him the entire night. Let’s just say I haven’t had many successful relationships…

I do believe that in some form, my depression has contributed to these issues. Being told from an early age that everything was my fault both at home and wherever I went has left me with a complex that no matter what I do, I’ll ruin something as small as the day or something as big as a relationship or someone’s life (yes, these are all things I have been blamed for). Couple those issues into dating and it really does not mix. Plus, I feel guilty about willingly bringing someone into the mess of my life. There are some days I don’t even want to be in my life and I have to be, but to ask someone else to come in sounds like a cruel and unusual punishment no one asked for.

So I’ve avoided it. I’ve watched my friends find happiness with boyfriends and girlfriends and even been in a couple of weddings. I’ve seen the way two people can look at each other and want it. I’ve swiped through so many profiles, they’re all starting to look the same to me. But I’ve never really made that conscious of an effort to really find that not because I didn’t want it, but because I was too scared to really try and find it and deal with the new sets of challenges that would bring along. I mean, I can barely get through my life by myself and with the people already in it, to add someone new…

However, something changed. I guess a flip switched in me or maybe the medication kicked in or maybe I just threw caution to the wind, screamed “FUCK IT!” and decided to go for it because I met someone. Everyone told me it would happen when I least expected it to and they were right. Without going into the details, I met someone and even tried to take initiative to see them. It was a huge moment for me. However, right around that time, I also became a little more promiscuous. With my summer not exactly going as I had hoped, I was really down and unhappy. My future is still uncertain, I’m still not certified to do what I want to do (still not even finished…), and I don’t have the slightest idea what my next steps are. With that, I decided to take a job working in a bar. This provided me with new adult friendships and access to alcohol, which I believe contributes to my new persona.

With the medicine and the depression, I had tried to refrain from alcohol, which is a depressant, because I didn’t want to feel worse and I didn’t want it to interact negatively with the medicine and have a side effect or make it not work (not that it has been working that great anyway…). But with my job and my new carefree attitude on life, I’ve decided to just go for it. This led me to sleeping with someone I had gone on two dates with and wasn’t the person I have feelings for. I don’t regret sleeping with him and I’m really proud of myself for not being as scared as I was just three months ago. I think that shows growth and change and maybe that I’m overcoming this depression thing. However, we could have been more careful, which I’m absolutely ashamed at myself for. It circles back to ruining lives and days and dinners. What if this one oversight has ruined the future for myself and this person? What about the person I do have feelings for?

Well, the person I do have feelings for is a little out there but I’ve found myself constantly thinking about him and wanting to talk to him and see him and know what he’s doing. It’s not that I’m unfamiliar with that feeling, it’s that I just have never really felt it for someone who feels it for me and that I have actually acted on those feelings with. Being so unfamiliar with dating and relationships, I turned to my best friend who is equally (perhaps more) unfamiliar and asked him what he thought it was. He looked at me like I was the stupidest person and said, “You want to date him.” I was floored; is that what it means when you want to date someone? He’s the total opposite of me and has made it clear from the beginning that all he wants is sex and it’s not that I want more, but I just want him. However, my fears and insecurities are constantly getting in the way with what I want and now I’m scared that I’ve waited too long and that he’s given up on me.

It’s a vicious circle when you’re an overthinking, anxious, fearful person because you want that intimacy and that relationship and then when you’re THIS close to getting it, you freak out and let those things stop you from walking up to him and telling him how you feel or worse, that leads you to being the person he tells when he’s going on dates and you’re sitting home literally crying over this boy feeling equally as disgusted with yourself for feeling that way. I hate feeling this way and I can’t separate the depression from the fears from going after what I want and the feeling of ruining everything. I’m also scared that if this ends badly, it’ll just be yet another layer of depression and who knows how long that’s going to set me back. I know the other side is what if it’s a good thing, but I’ve never been able to think like that. I’m trying really hard and maybe I will try and go for it. I mean, I can’t keep sleeping with other people every time he tells me he’s going on a date or had a one night stand. That’s not going to be good for me either. I think in this summer of making bad/careless/different/weird decisions, I need to try or else I won’t be depressed about the way it ended, I’ll be depressed about the what if and believe me, I have enough of those to last three lifetimes.

I think the underlying question is how do unhappy people find happiness with other people?

Why do you Want to be Here?

Answering the tough questions even when you don’t have an answer…

One of the most common questions I get asked by my mother is why do you want to be here? It can be yelled out during an argument, spoken tearfully during an intense conversation, or spat out as a door is slammed. While I never have an answer for her, I don’t think she realizes what kind of question she’s really asking.

When she asks it, she’s asking why I want to be living in my house (my childhood home where I grew up and where both my parents still live) with my parents, where I’m obviously unhappy and where they are obviously unhappy. The truth is that this living situation hasn’t been working for quite some time – we live in a truly unhappy household. There’s a reason that young adults need to find their own places and it’s because you truly can grow out of your childhood home. In my case, the familiarity of my block and my childhood bedroom has probably dragged me into a deeper depression than I care to realize or admit, but I’m too “comfortable” to do anything about it (and let’s be real probably a little too depressed to feel like I CAN do anything about it)…

Upon reflecting on the question, I came to realize that I asked myself that on a daily basis; just I wasn’t talking about in my house, I was talking about the planet. While doing research on what happens at places where they treat depression inpatient, I stumbled on this article that had a quote that stuck with me. “I don’t want to die, but I don’t know how to be alive anymore.” Circling back to the eternal question of why do you want to be here, the only answer I can come up with is that I don’t want to be here, but I don’t want to be anywhere else, either.

A little bit of context: My parents are good people who were very unprepared to raise an extremely unhappy child. It’s not that they don’t believe that depression exists, but they just never quite got a handle on my issues, which has tainted our relationship for years. A lot of times, they’ll ask me basic questions (what do you want to do? or what makes you happy?) and my inability to answer them will frustrate them. The truth is that I don’t have an answer because I don’t want to do anything and honestly, nothing makes me happy no matter how hard I try.

While I’m not at all suicidal and there isn’t any part of me that wants to die, there is a large part of me that wants to be put into a coma – or a suspended animation of sorts – where I can just take a breather from life and not have to worry about calories consumed or hours spent in/out of bed or whether or not something I say or do is going to be taken out of context in the most ridiculous of ways. While this isn’t an option, the fact that it’s a constant thought in my head is worrisome to me. Why do I want to be here? I don’t. But I have nowhere else I’d rather be…

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Category: Purpose