My whole life, I have struggled with relationships, both romantic and platonic, and how to interact with other people. Commitments have always scared me and anytime a guy showed the least bit of interest in me, I would run away and make sure it never happened – even if it was something that I wanted. In the age of online dating and dating apps, I have matched with many a guy who has asked me to coffee or drinks (aka meeting outside the screen) and in order to go on these dates, it would take either a lot of tequila or several tries. I’ve become the queen of excuses and have used almost everyone in the book to get out of dates. It’s not that I’m not interested in the people or don’t want to date or find a boyfriend, it’s that it absolutely terrifies me. Not only do relationships and commitment terrify me, but the physical intimacy of relationships terrifies me. I have very (let’s just call it) limited experience because of my fears and that is something I desperately want to change.
When I do miraculously manage to actually go on a date (and when I’ve found someone who has put up with me canceling three times), I tell a friend exactly where I am and when to call me to pretend to be someone at home so I can get out of it. There’s always an out for me when it comes to dating. This has been an issue for as long as I can remember when at sleepaway camp one summer, a guy that I liked asked me to the dance and after saying yes, avoided him the entire night. Let’s just say I haven’t had many successful relationships…
I do believe that in some form, my depression has contributed to these issues. Being told from an early age that everything was my fault both at home and wherever I went has left me with a complex that no matter what I do, I’ll ruin something as small as the day or something as big as a relationship or someone’s life (yes, these are all things I have been blamed for). Couple those issues into dating and it really does not mix. Plus, I feel guilty about willingly bringing someone into the mess of my life. There are some days I don’t even want to be in my life and I have to be, but to ask someone else to come in sounds like a cruel and unusual punishment no one asked for.
So I’ve avoided it. I’ve watched my friends find happiness with boyfriends and girlfriends and even been in a couple of weddings. I’ve seen the way two people can look at each other and want it. I’ve swiped through so many profiles, they’re all starting to look the same to me. But I’ve never really made that conscious of an effort to really find that not because I didn’t want it, but because I was too scared to really try and find it and deal with the new sets of challenges that would bring along. I mean, I can barely get through my life by myself and with the people already in it, to add someone new…
However, something changed. I guess a flip switched in me or maybe the medication kicked in or maybe I just threw caution to the wind, screamed “FUCK IT!” and decided to go for it because I met someone. Everyone told me it would happen when I least expected it to and they were right. Without going into the details, I met someone and even tried to take initiative to see them. It was a huge moment for me. However, right around that time, I also became a little more promiscuous. With my summer not exactly going as I had hoped, I was really down and unhappy. My future is still uncertain, I’m still not certified to do what I want to do (still not even finished…), and I don’t have the slightest idea what my next steps are. With that, I decided to take a job working in a bar. This provided me with new adult friendships and access to alcohol, which I believe contributes to my new persona.
With the medicine and the depression, I had tried to refrain from alcohol, which is a depressant, because I didn’t want to feel worse and I didn’t want it to interact negatively with the medicine and have a side effect or make it not work (not that it has been working that great anyway…). But with my job and my new carefree attitude on life, I’ve decided to just go for it. This led me to sleeping with someone I had gone on two dates with and wasn’t the person I have feelings for. I don’t regret sleeping with him and I’m really proud of myself for not being as scared as I was just three months ago. I think that shows growth and change and maybe that I’m overcoming this depression thing. However, we could have been more careful, which I’m absolutely ashamed at myself for. It circles back to ruining lives and days and dinners. What if this one oversight has ruined the future for myself and this person? What about the person I do have feelings for?
Well, the person I do have feelings for is a little out there but I’ve found myself constantly thinking about him and wanting to talk to him and see him and know what he’s doing. It’s not that I’m unfamiliar with that feeling, it’s that I just have never really felt it for someone who feels it for me and that I have actually acted on those feelings with. Being so unfamiliar with dating and relationships, I turned to my best friend who is equally (perhaps more) unfamiliar and asked him what he thought it was. He looked at me like I was the stupidest person and said, “You want to date him.” I was floored; is that what it means when you want to date someone? He’s the total opposite of me and has made it clear from the beginning that all he wants is sex and it’s not that I want more, but I just want him. However, my fears and insecurities are constantly getting in the way with what I want and now I’m scared that I’ve waited too long and that he’s given up on me.
It’s a vicious circle when you’re an overthinking, anxious, fearful person because you want that intimacy and that relationship and then when you’re THIS close to getting it, you freak out and let those things stop you from walking up to him and telling him how you feel or worse, that leads you to being the person he tells when he’s going on dates and you’re sitting home literally crying over this boy feeling equally as disgusted with yourself for feeling that way. I hate feeling this way and I can’t separate the depression from the fears from going after what I want and the feeling of ruining everything. I’m also scared that if this ends badly, it’ll just be yet another layer of depression and who knows how long that’s going to set me back. I know the other side is what if it’s a good thing, but I’ve never been able to think like that. I’m trying really hard and maybe I will try and go for it. I mean, I can’t keep sleeping with other people every time he tells me he’s going on a date or had a one night stand. That’s not going to be good for me either. I think in this summer of making bad/careless/different/weird decisions, I need to try or else I won’t be depressed about the way it ended, I’ll be depressed about the what if and believe me, I have enough of those to last three lifetimes.
I think the underlying question is how do unhappy people find happiness with other people?
Depression Diaries 