what do i do – Depression Diaries

Waking Up…

I hate waking up in the mornings. Not for the reasons everybody else hates it (it’s cold, it’s dark, don’t want to go to work, etc.) but because I wake up most days and feel utterly alone. I’ve felt like this for the last few weeks – weepy and absolutely terrified of being alone. Not like alone in the deep metaphorical sense, but I’m talking physically left alone. I try and schedule things with friends everyday so at least I’m seeing one person – but even that is difficult since all of my friends have real lives with real jobs and real commitments. My life is the opposite of that and I think that’s what isn’t working.

I had this revelation the other day as I was quite literally crying to my nana who just got out of the hospital (and definitely did not need to deal with my continual emotional breakdown) that I’m homeless with a house. I moved out of my childhood home and into an apartment in an unfamiliar neighborhood very quickly with no time to really think about or process the commitment and I think all of that is really catching up with me. My new apartment isn’t my home, but neither is my childhood house anymore. I feel like I don’t have a home and I think that’s why I’ve been trying to surround myself with people who are familiar and make me comfortable – because I’m constantly in an unfamiliar setting that I’m a still uncomfortable in.

I don’t know what it will take for me to feel comfortable here and I’ve truly been trying to change my life, but like everything, it’s a circle. In order to change my life, I need motivation and I just don’t have motivation because I’m so damn unhappy all of the time. I feel totally untreatable. Try medication, it’ll make you feel better; so I tried medication and now I’m 25 lbs lighter, but not any happier… Try exercise, it’ll help with the depression; I exercise and now I have more muscle, but I’m not any happier. Move out of your parents’ house, that’ll increase your quality of life considerably; I moved out of my parents’ house and I’m not any happier. Now, I just pay for a place to stay in bed all day. At least when I was home, I had all my stuff around me any everything was familiar (my neighborhood, my room, etc.)… Now, I’m unhappy in an unfamiliar setting and that’s even rougher (and yes, rougher than having two people call me manipulative and abusive and controlling and thoughtless everyday).

A few of my closest friends have said some very interesting things to me (about me) lately that aren’t wrong, but also scare the living daylights out of me. My college roommate told me that I craved the intimacy and that’s why I went back to sleep with this guy that I’m a little bit too much head over heels for (more on that later). I think she’s 100% right. I do crave the intimacy and I’m not sure if I’m ready for that kind of committed relationship, but I would like someone to text when I’m down or even just have a person that’s a constant that also wants to have sex with me. I want some of the little things: someone to spend the night with and just sleep; someone to be able to call or text when I’m feeling down; someone to share the happiness; someone who’s happy to see me. Maybe I’m craving a relationship… That scares me because of the #commitment. Still not on board with that one yet… Then a camp friend of mine called me out on loving this horrible person that I shouldn’t love. That also terrifies me because I really have never felt this way about someone and I don’t want it to be HIM that I feel this way for.

I think in a way, falling for him is another form of self sabotage. He’s emotionally unavailable, a truly horrible person, goes against everything I believe in, and makes ME seem like the emotionally stable one, which should already have red flags going up. That being said, I want to spend all my time with him and call him when I’m upset and sleep with him at night (the Brandi Carlile song comes to mind: “I wish I could lay down beside you when the day is through and wake up to your face against the morning sun.”) and wake up with him the next morning and spend all my time him… I think I said that last one already. For some bizarre reason that literally no one can figure out, he makes me happy when he should make me the unhappiest… Which he also does. I spend my days literally thinking about him and figuring out a way to se him and planning it all out so it’s not weird. I feel like I’m in a sporting event – I’ve got analysts and plays and plots and I hate it. I think he wants to date me but he’s not in the right space and I want to date him and just be with him always but that’s not an option. As my therapist said (which was very helpful), “It’s not that he won’t date you, it’s that he can’t date you.” He even said, “If I was in a better mental space, I’d totally date you.” Every time I see him, I’m left analyzing more and trying to figure him out. I hate that he has this power to do this to me and I hate that I’m kind of turning into my mother in needing to find meaning in everything and hoping there’s meaning in everything. Does everything have to have meaning? Do we just try and find meaning in words and actions so we can keep going and tell ourselves what we want to hear? All I know is that this situation isn’t going away anytime soon, but I need to change my approach.

Because I’m always on the verge of tears. It’s not about him, but just about my entire life. I wake up with a hole in my stomach and fear the day and I just want to cry and when I think about how alone I am, I just want to cry… All I want to do is cry all of the time and that’s not healthy or sustainable or even useful. I really want to be happy and I’ve tried everything they’ve recommended and nothing is working and I feel so defeated. Like why am I even here if this is how life is going to be? I’m actively working to change my life, but nothing is changing and it’s so exhausting. I’m in a really bad place right now, but like haven’t I been forever? When do things get to change for the better for me?

I’m Still Here

I disappeared for a while – find out why and when I’ll be back with a full post….

I’m pretty sure I’m the worst blogger on the face of the planet. My apologies for falling off the face of the Earth this past month. If I thought summer couldn’t get any worse before I took my accidental hiatus, let’s just say it’s safe to say how wrong I was. Honestly, that’s why I try not to say that things couldn’t get any worse, because usually they can and they do. At least in my life they do.

I’ve started journaling, which I had looked down on for the longest time because I was never in a place where I could journal and really keep up. I even bought one of those 5 year, 1 question a day journals and forgot to do it/keep up with it so I would do like an entire month in one sitting, which is totally not the point.

The journal has not been a replacement of the blog, but I have discovered that handwriting for me is a lot easier than typing, which is why I have been more productive about the journal and keeping up with it. But then I started thinking about the blog and the journal and why they couldn’t be one in the same (minus the names and any identity revealing things…).

That being said, I’ve decided to share some of my journal entries with my blog (all like three readers…). Over the next few days/weeks, I’ll be typing (and roughly dating) some of my entries to both continue to process what’s been going on and to be completely honest and open with the blog. The point of me starting this blog was to shine a light into mental health and depression – all sides of it – the good, the bad, the ugly, the really ugly, and as bad as it gets. I haven’t been doing that lately, which means that I’ve been failing in my mission on the blog.

Speaking of the blog, does anyone out there know how to market an anonymous blog? I suppose I could start a Facebook page, but how would I do that without revealing my identity? If anyone had a tip, that would be super helpful. Feel free to comment it on this post, email me at depressiondiaries0@gmail.com, or shoot me a message/comment on Instagram @depressiondiaries0

But, until my journal entries, here’s a small list of topics covered in my journal/things I’ve been up to…

Got (and lost) a job that I really liked. Didn’t take that so well.
I think I got kicked out of my house. Still figuring that one out.
Constant fighting and unpleasantness at home, which is, of course, all my fault.
Friend fights.
Low mood.
Medication change.
Boy troubles/happenings.
Visit to a psychic. Super freaky and I think I’m a believer/follower now.
Eating struggles.

Date-pression

My whole life, I have struggled with relationships, both romantic and platonic, and how to interact with other people. Commitments have always scared me and anytime a guy showed the least bit of interest in me, I would run away and make sure it never happened – even if it was something that I wanted. In the age of online dating and dating apps, I have matched with many a guy who has asked me to coffee or drinks (aka meeting outside the screen) and in order to go on these dates, it would take either a lot of tequila or several tries. I’ve become the queen of excuses and have used almost everyone in the book to get out of dates. It’s not that I’m not interested in the people or don’t want to date or find a boyfriend, it’s that it absolutely terrifies me. Not only do relationships and commitment terrify me, but the physical intimacy of relationships terrifies me. I have very (let’s just call it) limited experience because of my fears and that is something I desperately want to change.

When I do miraculously manage to actually go on a date (and when I’ve found someone who has put up with me canceling three times), I tell a friend exactly where I am and when to call me to pretend to be someone at home so I can get out of it. There’s always an out for me when it comes to dating. This has been an issue for as long as I can remember when at sleepaway camp one summer, a guy that I liked asked me to the dance and after saying yes, avoided him the entire night. Let’s just say I haven’t had many successful relationships…

I do believe that in some form, my depression has contributed to these issues. Being told from an early age that everything was my fault both at home and wherever I went has left me with a complex that no matter what I do, I’ll ruin something as small as the day or something as big as a relationship or someone’s life (yes, these are all things I have been blamed for). Couple those issues into dating and it really does not mix. Plus, I feel guilty about willingly bringing someone into the mess of my life. There are some days I don’t even want to be in my life and I have to be, but to ask someone else to come in sounds like a cruel and unusual punishment no one asked for.

So I’ve avoided it. I’ve watched my friends find happiness with boyfriends and girlfriends and even been in a couple of weddings. I’ve seen the way two people can look at each other and want it. I’ve swiped through so many profiles, they’re all starting to look the same to me. But I’ve never really made that conscious of an effort to really find that not because I didn’t want it, but because I was too scared to really try and find it and deal with the new sets of challenges that would bring along. I mean, I can barely get through my life by myself and with the people already in it, to add someone new…

However, something changed. I guess a flip switched in me or maybe the medication kicked in or maybe I just threw caution to the wind, screamed “FUCK IT!” and decided to go for it because I met someone. Everyone told me it would happen when I least expected it to and they were right. Without going into the details, I met someone and even tried to take initiative to see them. It was a huge moment for me. However, right around that time, I also became a little more promiscuous. With my summer not exactly going as I had hoped, I was really down and unhappy. My future is still uncertain, I’m still not certified to do what I want to do (still not even finished…), and I don’t have the slightest idea what my next steps are. With that, I decided to take a job working in a bar. This provided me with new adult friendships and access to alcohol, which I believe contributes to my new persona.

With the medicine and the depression, I had tried to refrain from alcohol, which is a depressant, because I didn’t want to feel worse and I didn’t want it to interact negatively with the medicine and have a side effect or make it not work (not that it has been working that great anyway…). But with my job and my new carefree attitude on life, I’ve decided to just go for it. This led me to sleeping with someone I had gone on two dates with and wasn’t the person I have feelings for. I don’t regret sleeping with him and I’m really proud of myself for not being as scared as I was just three months ago. I think that shows growth and change and maybe that I’m overcoming this depression thing. However, we could have been more careful, which I’m absolutely ashamed at myself for. It circles back to ruining lives and days and dinners. What if this one oversight has ruined the future for myself and this person? What about the person I do have feelings for?

Well, the person I do have feelings for is a little out there but I’ve found myself constantly thinking about him and wanting to talk to him and see him and know what he’s doing. It’s not that I’m unfamiliar with that feeling, it’s that I just have never really felt it for someone who feels it for me and that I have actually acted on those feelings with. Being so unfamiliar with dating and relationships, I turned to my best friend who is equally (perhaps more) unfamiliar and asked him what he thought it was. He looked at me like I was the stupidest person and said, “You want to date him.” I was floored; is that what it means when you want to date someone? He’s the total opposite of me and has made it clear from the beginning that all he wants is sex and it’s not that I want more, but I just want him. However, my fears and insecurities are constantly getting in the way with what I want and now I’m scared that I’ve waited too long and that he’s given up on me.

It’s a vicious circle when you’re an overthinking, anxious, fearful person because you want that intimacy and that relationship and then when you’re THIS close to getting it, you freak out and let those things stop you from walking up to him and telling him how you feel or worse, that leads you to being the person he tells when he’s going on dates and you’re sitting home literally crying over this boy feeling equally as disgusted with yourself for feeling that way. I hate feeling this way and I can’t separate the depression from the fears from going after what I want and the feeling of ruining everything. I’m also scared that if this ends badly, it’ll just be yet another layer of depression and who knows how long that’s going to set me back. I know the other side is what if it’s a good thing, but I’ve never been able to think like that. I’m trying really hard and maybe I will try and go for it. I mean, I can’t keep sleeping with other people every time he tells me he’s going on a date or had a one night stand. That’s not going to be good for me either. I think in this summer of making bad/careless/different/weird decisions, I need to try or else I won’t be depressed about the way it ended, I’ll be depressed about the what if and believe me, I have enough of those to last three lifetimes.

I think the underlying question is how do unhappy people find happiness with other people?

Motivating Depression or Depressing Motivation…

How does depression keep me from doing the things I actually want to do? How is that at all fair? Why can’t I feel motivated to do what I want to do and what I need to do?

I am truly terrible at keeping a blog… The thing is that I want to write and I have a million things to write about but then I end up with zero motivation to write anything. Do you know what that’s called? Depression. Funny, isn’t it? Not funny in a ha ha way but funny in an almost tragic way. The whole point of the blog (and Instagram) is to chronicle my life with depression but I can’t even find the motivation to do that.

I guess I’ve kind of fallen off the face of the planet these last few weeks; I’ve lost interest in things that used to be my only interest, I’ve avoided spending time with friends, and I’ve just not wanted to do anything except lie in bed. I’ve been thinking a lot about how to get myself to feel better and seeing the psychiatrist and taking that step towards medication was a really big one (like huge. 20 years in the making), but I’m thinking it might not be enough. In my first entry, I talked about a girl who had checked herself into a hospital for her depression. First, I want to say that I absolutely commend her for doing that because the courage it must have taken inspires me to just take my medication in the morning. But after a visit with my general doctor, I’ve been thinking a lot about going to a rehab/hospital like facility over the summer and really trying to get to the root of what is wrong. I mean I know I’m depressed and I’m angry (so so angry, but that’s a topic for another entry…) but I’m someone who believes that there is always a reason and if you can get to the reason then maybe you can fix or change the behavior.

So rehab… The idea absolutely terrifies me and my doctor doesn’t think I need something that intense, but part of the problem is being at home. I know I’ve briefly spoken about my parents before and while they are definitely willing to do anything it takes, but they have a very hard time understanding and speaking about it in an appropriate manner. I’ve been having a lot of communication issues with my father lately and I’ve been keeping a lot of my depression a secret from him because of these issues. Only my mother knows and she has made sure to hold it over my head and remind me constantly about what keeping this is doing to her. Nevermind what being on all of these different medications and feeling like I can’t get out of bed in the morning is doing to me, she makes a lot of it about her. There’s been some talk recently about having my mother come into therapy with me and meeting my doctor. All of my doctors think it’s a good idea and I’ve been becoming more and more receptive to the idea. However, when it was brought up the other night, she made it seem so nasty, like she’d turn my doctor against me on the confidentiality from my father idea. I guess that freaked me out and now I don’t want her involved at all. It’s a very fractured relationship and we just haven’t been able to communicate very well ever.

Another thing that I have a very hard time explaining and dealing with is my commitment phobia and actually getting what I want. Recently, I’ve found out that this guy I kind of like is also interested in me and I should be really happy about that, but when I found out, I burst into tears like actual honest-to-God tears. I know I have relationship issues, but this seems nuts. Every time I get something that I want, I end up rejecting it and then wishing I had it. My doctor says that’s anxiety, so I guess we’ll tack that onto the list of things that are wrong.

I guess these last few weeks, I’ve been feeling absolutely hopeless. Like I won’t get better or feel better or learn how to commit or even get what I want. Maybe it’s just that I’m so used to not getting what I want or losing or even making sure I lose and being self-sabotaging that when the opportunity comes to actually get what I want, I literally don’t know how to. Plus, my aforementioned relationship issues make the whole dating thing very complicated. I’ve become a pro at making up excuses to not even go on first coffee dates. I feel like my life is more of a mess than it actually is and I’m not sure how to deal with it.

What should I do over the summer? Should I really try to go to rehab or should I take a job I’ve been offered that I know will be good for me but that I didn’t really want to have to take… What about this potential relationship? Is taking the job that takes me away from the relationship and my family issues and all that stuff running away from it? All of this seems like it’s so trivial and “First World Problems” but it still makes me want to crawl in a hole and just not deal with any of it. Has anyone else felt this way? Decisions are scary. Motivation is scary. All of it seems even scarier with depression…