The Basics…

I’ve been thinking how to start this blog ever since I came up with the idea to write one. Typically, that starts with the who, what, where, when, why, and how; I will answer some of those questions but with a bit of a caveat – I’m choosing to remain anonymous, which will be explained further on in this post.

To go a bit out of order, I’m going to start with why. Why did I decide to start a blog about depression and being depressed. I believe that whys are some of the most important questions to answer and that there is always a reasoning to an action. Recently, my insomnia had been keeping me awake until all hours of the night, giving me plenty of time to peruse Instagram (they sure do give you a lot of options to explore other peoples’ profiles)… While “exploring”, I stumbled upon the accounts and blogs of people who were sharing their diagnoses with cancer (I was especially inspired by Derailing my Diagnosis – just without the religion aspect and The Diary of Nalie). While I in no way, shape, or form compare my struggles with depression to their battles with cancer, I was inspired to share my journey and my battle with depression. As Instagram continued noticing my spike in these types of accounts, they kept recommending more and more and while reading through so many brave peoples’ fights with cancer and other diseases, I noticed that none I came across were mental illnesses (for the record – I really dislike the phrase mentally ill/mental illness, but I’ll save that for another post). With the political climate in this country what it is and with mental illness looked at with the large stigma that it’s currently looked at, I wanted to give an outlet to depression, which, according to the Anxiety and Depression Association of America, affects more than 15 million Americans. My hope is that by sharing my story and my journey, I can help others struggling with depression and maybe make it a little less stigmatized…

This leads me to why I’m choosing to remain anonymous. It has nothing to do with being ashamed or embarrassed by being depressed because while I’m neither of those things, there are specific circumstances in my life that prohibit me from feeling comfortable enough to share my diagnosis with some of the people in my life. That being said, because I do want to be a resource to people struggling with depression, I will always answer questions and emails with openness and truthfulness, despite not sharing my exact identity.

So, who am I? I’m depressed (insert Dad Joke: “Hi Depressed, I’m Dad! It’s nice to meet you!”). While that isn’t the name on my birth certificate, it may as well be. Often times, it feels that I am not a person and am just depressed. I’ve been depressed for going on 20 years, which is most of my life considering I’m in my early twenties. I’ve known about my depression for most of those 20 years but only recently (November of 2016 to be exact) decided to start treating it with drugs (I’ll save that for a whole other blog post…). There were many reasons that went into deciding not to treat it, including the fact that I didn’t feel like I had the right to be depressed. I’m a straight, white, cisgendered female who grew up upper middle class in a big city with a mom and a dad who did not split up. I’ve had almost my entire extended family around me throughout my life, good friends, and every opportunity I’ve ever wanted. I have a bachelor’s degree from a good university and a master’s degree from an even better one and all without student debt. Going to school with friends who were in debt and being in high school with people who worried about leaving their homes past sundown, I didn’t feel like I had any right to be as unhappy as I was (and still am). Looking at the world and seeing how much worse people around the world were living, I did feel embarrassed at just how unhappy I am. Like if the women in Saudi Arabia can make it through their lives, why can’t I get out of bed in the morning?

However, comparing my life to the billions of people on the planet, the millions of people in my city, and even the 25 people I consider close to me wasn’t helping (insert duh moment here). You can live in what may seem as the unhappiest circumstances and still be the happiest person in a room. Often times, depression can be genetic or even chemical, like the chemicals in your brain are just not evened out because of some reason and that can be the reason for your depression. So while I’ve lived a very lucky life, my brain chemistry is all sorts of wonky and that is a big reason for my depression – meaning it’s not my fault. Coming to that realization took a very long time and the idea of fault and blame are two things I’ll be talking about a lot.

My diagnosis: Depression and Dysthymia. If you’re like me and had no idea what Dysthymia is, it’s this: “Persistent depressive disorder is a continuous long-term (chronic) form of depression. These feelings last for years and may significantly interfere with [life].” Basically, not only do I have Depression, but I have CHRONIC Depression, as well. So even on days where I can get myself out of bed and do a full day’s worth of activities, there is always that unhappiness lingering in the back of my head. Some days, it’s stronger than others and some days, I can even forget about it all together.

This blog is a place for me to share what it’s like to suffer and live with depression (and chronic depression). It’s a place for me to be really honest and real and express some of the thoughts and feelings that I can’t share with the people closest to me. I don’t think that not knowing who I am will prevent you from getting to know me and I hope to provide insight on what it’s like to live with this illness. If you also suffer from Depression, maybe you can relate to some of these feelings (I’d love to hear some of your stories, as well), if you’re the friend/relative/parent of someone who’s starting to treat their depression and you are not a sufferer, maybe this can help you to understand what is going on in their heads and lives so you can be a better support system to what is a difficult time (feel free to reach out, as well!), or maybe you’re just up one night and happen to stumble on Depression Diaries and it peaks your interest. Whatever your reason is, you are welcome here and I look forward to sharing my story (that might not always be a happy one) with no censors and hearing others. Much like other diseases, there is no reason there can’t be a community for Depression where we can lean on each other and share our different stories. We all have them. Thank you for being apart of mine.

***If you are feeling suicidal or know someone who is, please call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255. They’re open 24 hours a day***